I used to watch a lot of tv and movies and it has profoundly influenced the way I view the world. I think it’s both a good thing and a bad thing. I’ve romanticized so many different aspects of living that sometimes I often forget to actually, well, live. One of my favorite shows of all time is How I Met Your Mother(I’ve seen it like 9 times at this point). If you haven’t seen it (you’re crazy if you haven’t) the story revolves around the main character in the year 2030 telling his kids the story of how he met their mother. The show itself is like a big romcom, it’s funny, it gets deep, and yeah there are some touching moments in there that might bring a tear or two. To me HIMYM just spoke to me on a completely different level, I mean I literally based a lot of what I wanted out of life from that show. Mind you I was 5 when the show originally came out I didn’t start watching it until maybe I was 12, so as I was starting to mature and grow this show helped form my worldview. One of if not probably the biggest aspects of that worldview was about love. I desperately wanted to be in love and find “the one” as Ted, the main character in HIMYM, was always after. I’m still that way, though desperate wouldn’t be the word I choose now. I’ve dated, I’ve had partners, but I only ever truly been in love once.

Love is weird. It is. You never know who’ll you actually fall in love with. If movies and tv shows are to be believed you’ll find that special someone as you glance at them from the bar and see this person who you immediately fall for. You ask them out, you go steady, you move in, and bam you get married happily ever after. It seldom goes that way for real though. There is way more heartbreak in the real world, so many things that the movies don’t show you. Yeah sometimes they show a big fight that breaks the couple up until the guy realizes he’s wrong and wins the girl at the end, but again it just isn’t that simple. I met the girl that I thought I would marry when I was a sophomore in high school and she was a senior. We dated for what felt like several months at the time, but in reality was like 2ish. Though it ended quickly, it wouldn’t be the only time we were together. See in HIMYM before meeting the Mother, Ted falls in love with a woman named Robin and pines for her and pines for her until she marries someone else and he moves on. No lie that’s almost exactly what happened to me, except I don’t believe I’ve met my future wife yet. That girl I dated in high school we stayed friends for a while really up until I went to college. We lost touch, and I had feelings for other girls, but one day I just had this feeling and texted her. We started dating again my senior year of college. This time it lasted longer, but it was a bit on and off. When it was over for good the last time it very much nearly broke me. I learned from it, but man oh man did it hurt. Overtime I realized that although I did deeply love this girl it’s probably for the best it ended. After maybe a little less than a year I met someone else. We started dating and she eventually became my girlfriend. I also told her I loved her, but it wasn’t the same way I felt before. This has always made me feel bad. It’s not that I didn’t love this girlfriend cause at the time I genuinely thought I did. We obviously broke up, but for different reasons. It was a clean break up no hard feelings, but I also didn’t’t hurt as much this time. See, before when I was young I originally thought I would never meet someone who will love me. Turns out I was wrong, at this point I had already found two. Which is great, cause doesn’t that mean that “the one” for me is actually out there and I just haven’t met her yet? Who knows? I’d like to think so.

I do want to be in love although I’m terrified of it. There’s definitely some truth to the more you love the harder it hurts when it’s gone. It’s sad, but I also think it’s beautiful. I often ask my friends who are in relationships, or are asking me for advice, “is it worth the heartache?” That’s how I determine if someone is actually in love. It’s not that we want the relationship to end or necessarily think about it ending, cause all things end, but rather the question is asking is this person worth it. See love isn’t easy. Those who tell you that it is are either freshly together or have not truly experienced it. Relationships are formed from two independent people, meaning two different minds, two different personalities, there is gonna be work that needs to be done. Sometimes you’ll fight and that’ll cause heartache too. Hence the question. For me the hardest thing about love seems to be finding someone else that’s worth the heartache. I’ve gone through it already and maybe I’m not ready for it again, but when I find “the one” who will make me reconsider if I am or not then I think the question will be answered for me. Here’s hoping I find her.