As I’ve grown older I’ve noticed that a lot have things have changed personally. Things that I used to hate I now like, or movies that didn’t interest me I’m now more opened to, but the thing that has really shifted is my take on sharing. Not like the sharing is caring bit we learned in either pre-k or kindergarten. More so the sharing of feelings. I was a BIG proponent of keeping things to myself. I fell into the trap of men should never show how they feel. Which by the way is a horrible thing to teach children. There is this belief that strong men don’t cry or feel any emotion. This way of thinking has been described as toxic masculinity, which is 100% accurate to think of it this way. Personally, I know what it’s like to live in that ideology. Not that my upbringing was in any way harsh, but when it came to mental health subjects that was a bit more taboo. I’ve struggled with many things growing up. I never really felt that I had someone who I could truly talk to. I knew that if I spoke about things with teachers it would get reported, or said anything to my parents I would get a less than desirable reaction, but if I kept it to myself that I will be the only one burdened with the knowledge of what I was going through. The last example is exactly what I deliberately put myself through. I never liked having people fuss about me, nor being the center of attention, so I tried to keep mostly to myself. It wasn’t until high school where I found a group of friends that I could actually open up to about what I was feeling inside. Even then though I would slowly start to push them away when I felt like they wouldn’t want to be bothered by whatever was plaguing me. I didn’t want to play the victim as someone has told me before. After that moment I cemented those feelings and justified it being easier to never really talk about things. It honestly hurt that one of my closest friends said that to me. I really thought that I shouldn’t say anything to anyone out of fear of “playing the victim,” and so I kept things to myself. The other big reason was because I was scared how people would view me. I didn’t want others to look at me different, or see me as less than. Which I admit in my younger days I did. I used to be one of those people who didn’t understand, but that’s because I was pushing my own feelings away. It wasn’t until college that I actually found people who I could open up to and say the things that had been eating me alive to. It honestly was both scary and eye opening. Not only did people care, but I didn’t feel judged. I feel like there’s this tendency that most people have to judge others on how they’re feeling, or think that they can say whether their feelings are valid or not. Which is definitely not how it should work. I remember the most this ever felt the most true was in my philosophy class. We talked about the ends justifying the means. Meaning that the actions we take justify the end result. Most people will see the callousness and be like yeah that’s warranted. However, what we also talked about was the opposite. The means justify the end. The means in this case is the people. It always goes back to the people. We can’t treat each other like the other’s problems don’t matter. There should be no “other.” We are all one people. Our doubts, fears, and negativity shouldn’t be met with adversity, but with understanding and a willingness to help.

If I had someone earlier in my life that I felt that I could go to with anything, I whole-heartedly believe that I wouldn’t have as much trauma as I do now. Yes I did talk to friends about surface level things throughout my life. Yes I did have people before college who I could talk about CERTAIN things with, but not everything at that time. See this is the point we look at ourselves and say that I can’t let anyone else feel like this. How shitty do we have to be to say I suffered this way so someone else has to suffer. I think that is one of the most immoral things that we as people can do. I for one would have benefitted from a less closed off situation, so why would I ever want anyone to feel how I did before. The only reason I can see people genuinely believe it is, that to suffer is to be human. I believe that to an extant. Yes we all suffer in our on ways, but that doesn’t mean we have to suffer alone. That’s what people forget, they know what it’s like to suffer alone, its horrible, so why let someone else go through that. It’s inhumane. Finding that support and the people to help me through things, was one of the best things to happen to me. When things get too much, or if I don’t feel like enough, then I know who I can depend on. Even with just knowing that can be enough to help us get through whatever is happening through our lives. Hopefully I am that way, or can be that way for someone who needs it. At the end of the day we could all feel like someones is in our corner rooting for everything to be okay, and if not that then they help for things to be better than what they are.