Music has always been an important part of my life. When I was a baby my godmother would sing “you are my sunshine” to me and to this day she still calls me sunshine. I haven’t always been accurate bearer of that name. Regardless, I know music is usually around in most peoples lives. But for me it was and is my greatest love. That sound pretentious and I am aware of that but it’s true. I vividly remember the music that was playing in my house when I was kid. Santana, Pearl Jam, Cyndie Lauper, Bob Marley (fun fact bob Marley was my favorite artist when I was kid), like it was a really diverse musical range because of my parents. My earliest memories of music though was from grandma. She would always sing in the house, mostly when she was knitting or doing a word search. I remember her playing with me on her lap singing a song in Spanish about elephants. She had one of the most haunting voices I’ve heard. I mean this in the best way possible. She would sing a bunch of old Spanish garage rock songs or boleros, but one of the two she would often sing was El Último Beso by Los Apson. She would hum it often. I remember this one time on the weekend or whenever I wasn’t in school I was in the living room playing video games, and I heard singing, and I paused it and it was my grandma singing that song, I just paused my game and listened for a bit. Hearing her sing, had a profound effect on me, her voice was gentle and she didn’t always sing the lyrics, but I still listened. That’s my favorite musical memory.

My grandma and I were pretty close. I always tell people that she was basically like a second mother to me. Both my parents worked and since she lived with us she would be the one to take care of me and my brother. Since we were together often, as a child, I would hear her sing. It was one of the few things I missed while I was in college, well that and her cooking, but that’s besides the point. We had a language barrier as my Spanish and her English were both not great, but she knew my love of music and I could see there was a love of music on her end as well. In broken Spanish I would talk about music and she would tell me some of her favorite artists. She used to do this thing whenever we went somewhere she would always ask “what did you bring me back,” it was like an ongoing joke she had, though after a conversation we had the next day I went to Amoeba music with a friend and I wanted to get my grandma a gift. It was a Jose Feliciano CD because I remembered that she said that she had liked his music and he was one of my favorite guitarists. She did her bit when I got home and, usually the answer everyone gave her was nothing, they hadn’t brought anything back, unless it was dinner, but she had looked very surprised and gladly took the CD from me. I miss my grandma everyday in different ways. I was so devastated when the cancer came back, when she got worse it was like losing a part of myself. Because I would not be a musician without my grandmother. Before I left for my senior year of college she sat herself on my bed which she’s never done and she said to me in Spanish “I’m gonna listen to this song when I miss you,” and it was Fue En un Café by los apson. She played it for me on her phone and I just sat there and listened not really knowing what the words meant but actually feeling what she meant. And I gave a her a big hug. That stood with me especially when she passed. As in Catholic tradition we pray the rosary at the deceased’s house. Sometimes we start with music or we do something special on the last day and my cousin told me she had a recording of my grandma and since I had a very basic knowledge level of audio techniques she wanted me to make it sound good. She sent me the recordings and it was her of her asking about my uncle and also of her singing Fue en Un Café, the song she said she would play when she missed me, the recording took place in February 2022, about 7 months after she sat with me, and I didn’t hear the recording till after she died in August 2022. So when I heard it I cried for the first time since she’d passed By the end of her life she didn’t even speak, mostly just sounds, having her sing being the first time I heard her voice in a while, broke me. It was like all the memories flooded my brain all at once the knitting, the word searches, the humming/singing, the 1000 sneezes at night that felt like they would never end, her food, but most importantly her care. The care she had for her family, the care she had for me especially. I am very lucky to have had her for most of my life, I’ll probably have more years without her than with her as most people do with their grandparents, but to me it will always be special. Grief is a beautiful thing, because it is an extension of love. It makes me sad when I think of her passing, but also when I remember the love she had for me and the love of music that came from that it makes me happy.. To this day there are songs that make me feel close to her and I listen to them and reflect on it. Years before she passed on one random day I was practicing my guitar and singing I don’t remember what song (probably some Beatles) but my grandma came out of her room into the living room and told me she wanted me to play at her funeral. I hated that. I mean obviously I would do that, but this was before the cancer came back. I couldn’t think of a world where she wasn’t alive. For her to tell me that she wanted me to play it brought up so many feelings. So I didn’t want to think about that. But when the time came, I played. At the rosary I told them the story and I played along with the recording and everyone there was in tears. The one and only time I played music with my grandmother was after she died. I mean now it’s a beautiful memory, but at the time it hurt so much. It hurt worse when I played at the viewing. I did a Spanish version of In My Life by the Beatles. After finished I left just walked right out  it was very dramatic to be fair, but no one knew that I was fulfilling a promise I never wanted to make in the first place. Then at the actual funeral they hired a mariachi, I played as well but this time I played El Ultimo Beso. My cousins all knew that she would sing another song Cielito Lindo, which the mariachi played, I chose El Ultimo Beso based off of my favorite musical memory. There are many reasons why I love my grandma she would always cook, she took care of me, she loved me no matter what, and because of her music has become the biggest part of my life, and I will always be grateful. So ‘buelita, as I used to call her, I love you and miss you and thank you for your singing I wish I could hear it one more time. Te amo.